{impressions} what i miss about being lonely

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I've been thinking some about my single days.

I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 and for most of the next decade I lived on my own as a young (and then not-so-young) single adult. My Plan A had always wanted to get married and start a family, but was determined to live a wonderful Plan B, making the very most of my time until then.

While I had so many fun adventures, work that I was dedicated to, and a wealth of good friends, I was really quite lonely. I lived my life on my own, sharing parts with different friends and family, but never having anyone I shared the majority of my life with, no one I could tell everything to.

I remember when I finally found BH. He was hiding in plain sight, saying hi to me everyday. When we started dating I was filled with so much excitement and happiness every single day. I remember thinking that I had thought I'd been happy when I was single, but this was something beyond happy. This was pure joy. He became my best friend.

I miss my best friends from other times in my life and think of them every now and then, wondering what they are doing, wishing them happiness in all the different corners of the world where they are now. Thinking of them recently I have begun to wonder if perhaps it wasn't just them that I missed, but something about myself from those years I spent with them.

I remember having such a confidence in my single days, such drive and devotion to my future, constantly looking forward with hope and faith. I was such a strong and independent person, so sure of my path and confident in my belief that I was traveling the right path.

Along with all the blessings of having a best friend to talk to every day for rest of eternity, knowing that the people I love and live with will really be mine forever, along with the fulfillment of my dream to be a wife and momma, I have kind of turned soft.

There are the superficial things, like my sudden inability to be able to take the trash out when it's cold outside or my new found helplessness when it comes to fixing things. I find that I am now a codependent person, which is wonderful.

But then there are also the grander things. Now that I've arrived at the place I looked forward to for so long and have been living in a lovely dream life for the past few years, I am noticing that spiritual backbone has gotten a little soft. My soul seems to be wandering in a lovely haze.

When I was single my loneliness made me strong. It forced me to be sure that what I was doing was the right thing. I had to be sure in my course and true to myself or I'd never have chosen to be alone for so long. I would have given in to being somebody's anything much earlier with out the conviction that there was something better coming. It was because I was on my own that I forged such a strong relationship with the one who was always there, with my Father in Heaven. Being led my Him gave me the confidence to know that what I was doing was right, or at least what I was doing was what I thought He wanted, which He would bless me for.

Having so much joy in my family life has been amazing. Their light shines so bright. But looking back, I am also grateful for the times when my life was a bit dimmer and all that was leading me was a glimmer of hope. Now that I have basked in the light of eternal love for a few years, it's time to start dreaming of our future, together.

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1 comments

  1. The nice thing about being married is you can also kind of lean on your husbands conviction and strength. But you have to be careful though because they falter you will too. So it is like there is a third testimony in there. Yours, your husbands, and the together testimony. Sometimes one testimony has to carry all three so try and make sure all of them are strong so you can all support one another. Just a thought.

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