{moment} lovey snuggles

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I woke up from a long nap, the kind that you desperately need, when you are so tired that sleep overtakes you the first moment it gets a chance. I woke up to a yummy meal fully prepared by Beloved BH for the second time today. We sat on the back porch in the late evening sunshine, the kind that adds a golden halo to the bright new green leaves on the weeping aspen tree and filters down to dance in little patterns by your feet. The cool summer breeze seemed to float in circles around us, gently caressing our skin and relaxing our minds. Baby woke up just then and I held her close to me as she rubbed her head into my shoulder. I lay to feed her in our room with the gentle summer air floating in through the window. She fits so perfectly against my chest with her little toes tucked into my lap, her arm outstretched toward my face, her little tiny fingers tickling my lips. Her eyes flit and flutter till they rest again as she returns to sleep.

I realize then that no one can have this with her. No one can be this way with her, fit so perfectly with her, share this perfect moment with her in just this way. No one can be these things to her, not even daddy. Just me. Only me.

Today was hard for me. I didn't know what to do with my rambunctious primary kids. I was at my wits and nearly in tears today. I was just barely holding on when I looked up at the door and saw BH's bright smiling face. I snuck quietly out of singing time and met him and Baby in the hall. I gave her a big snuggly squeeze and watched her face brighten with joy when she saw me. That is just what I needed to make it through the rest of our meeting and hold it together till I could send all my kiddos off to their moms, rhinestone spangled handprint momentos in tow.

She is everything I needed. Her and her daddy are all I could ever need. I share these moments with her and cherish them in my heart. As she grows these moments slip through my grasp.  I'll never have these moments again. Even when the next darling comes I will never be able to devote all my time to just one little babe. All I can do is love her and love these moments, soaking them up as best I can, hoping that they'll lie in my memory for eternity. One day I'll have a perfect memory and this will be one moments I will cherish.

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